I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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