Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize