i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
