I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
