Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
