I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
