Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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