I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
