New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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