he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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