Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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