I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
