so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize