It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
