look no pants
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
