i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize