dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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