I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
