i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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