Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
