Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
