Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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