why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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