I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
