You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
