He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
