I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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