there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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