you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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