tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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