Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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