"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
