At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
