so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize