I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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