I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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