I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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