I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
why didn't you poke me back
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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