Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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