Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
