y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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