Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
