hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
