Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
