Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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