Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
