that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
