My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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