The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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