If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
