sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
