Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
