she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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