Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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