Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
