There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
