that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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