Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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