FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
