its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
