Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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