I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
