The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We are all done wearing pants today
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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