As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
