sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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