i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
