Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
