Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
