i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
it's great music for shaving your balls
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
This is my gift to your gina
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
